My Breastfeeding Journey

Today, my baby Skyler turns 6 months old. Wow, where did the time go? I still remember like it was yesterday when I was still pregnant and about to give birth. I can’t believe it’s been half a year already! It’s definitely a milestone for both of us because I have been exclusively breastfeeding him for this long as well. This is a HUGE accomplishment for me, because despite having 3 kids already, this is the first time I’ve been able to successfully breastfeed.

I haven’t really shared much about my struggles in the past because I feel that there are some advocates who are so quick to judge and criticize moms who decide to give their babies formula. I’m by no means an expert and I just want to share my story since there might be other moms out there who can relate to my experience.

During my first pregnancy, I’d assumed that breastfeeding would happen naturally after I gave birth. After I delivered my daughter Miley, she was immediately placed on my chest to nurse as is the practice in hospitals. She didn’t really latch on then, so I just assumed she was sleepy and would eat when she got hungry later on.

She would be brought to me for feedings and the nurses would teach me how to make her latch on. It seemed easy enough then. She would suck for a few seconds, even minutes and then doze off. Based on the books I read, this seemed normal as the baby still had “reserves” from being in the womb and wasn’t really hungry yet. I also figured we were both new to this so in time it would get better.

Anyway, when we got home, that’s when the problem started. She just couldn’t latch on properly no matter how hard we tried. It was so frustrating and I just felt so helpless. I was steadfast in that I didn’t want to give her formula despite protests from my mom, mother-in-law and even yaya that I was starving my baby.  Apparently both hubby and I were formula fed and we turned out fine so both our moms were insisting we give her formula already.

This continued on for a few more days until it was obvious she was losing weight, her lips were so chapped (probably from being dehydrated already) and she just kept crying most of the time. I thought motherhood was supposed to be this wonderful thing, but I honestly wasn’t enjoying it during those first few days. I guess I had slight post-partum too, since I felt like my life was so different after giving birth. I didn’t feel good about myself, I couldn’t even take a shower, meals were rushed, and I just wanted to sleep!

All I know is I kept trying and forcing to direct feed. I did all the tricks - malunggay capsules, drinking lots of water, relaxing myself by listening to music before trying to feed (since I read the baby feels when you’re stressed too). But it just wasn’t happening. I couldn’t even feel any milk in my breasts. I was just tired, cranky, stressed, and depressed!

At this point, I was beyond hopeless so I finally gave in and gave her formula. I’m not much of an emotional person, but this really made me break down and cry. I felt like such a bad mom, that I was a failure. But to be honest, another part of me felt relieved to finally see my baby eating.

I kept reading so many articles after and found support groups of mom who just decided to pump in order to give their babies breastmilk. So that’s what I decided to do. It was funny because I didn’t even buy a pump beforehand because I just assumed I would be breastfeeding exclusively and wouldn’t need it. I guess I also didn’t have as much information and support as I should have from the start as well.

Throughout it all, hubby was so supportive. He went out to buy me a pump and whatever else I needed. After initially pumping for a few days, my milk finally came in but I was only able to pump about 2 - 3 oz at a time. Still it was something! I gave Miley whatever breastmilk I could pump and when it wasn’t enough, she drank formula. I still continued to pump when I got back to work but with extremely hectic schedules (and no decent place to pump except the bathroom), I stopped after 5 months.

Same thing happened with my second baby Sabe. I don’t know why but he couldn’t latch on as well! This time, I immediately turned to pumping and I was able to give him my breastmilk for about 8 months. But he was also drinking formula when my breastmilk wasn’t enough.

When I got pregnant for the 3rd time, I was just praying that I’d be successful in breastfeeding this time. I don’t know if it was because this was my 3rd pregnancy or maybe a change in mindset, but I could already feel my boobs had milk as my due date came nearer (which wasn’t the case with the previous pregnancies). And I guess my prayers worked since I had milk a few days after I gave birth and Skyler finally knew how to latch! Alleluia!

During the start, there were times when I doubted myself though. I was in extreme pain from engorgement and there were times I would really scream when Skyler would latch on! I was feeding on demand so I hardly was getting any sleep at all too. Not like before when hubby (or even my mom or yaya) could help feed the baby from the bottle. Now, I was literally attached to my baby at all times. I kept saying I’d take it one day at a time since it would eventually get better. And in time it did! And now, it’s been 6 months already and I plan to keep on going for as long as I can. :)

One thing I know for sure is that us moms only want the best for our babies. I personally think that breastfeeding shouldn’t be the judge if one is a good mother or not. There will be lots of opinions out there but I guess just do what you feel is right for you and your baby. Happy mommy = happy baby right? In my case, I’m just really grateful the 3rd time was the charm. So again, happy 6 months to my baby Skyler and here's hoping to be able to continue breastfeeding until he at least turns 2! :)